“The worst class that I ever had was chemistry. I totally sucked at it.”

“That’s because you’re a hockey player. It’s a proven fact that athletic people aren’t as strong academically as other people.”

Buzzy looked up from his spot on the floor and glared at O.C. “What are you going on about? I’m not stupid.”

“I never said that you were.” O.C. protested. “All I’m saying is that it’s a proven fact that athletic people aren’t as strong academically as non-athletic people. It also works the other way around.”

“That’s ridiculous, O.C.” Silky stated firmly.

“No it isn’t.” O.C. replied. “It’s true. Studies have shown that it’s really rare to find people who are gifted in both sports and academics. That’s probably where all the ‘dumb jock’ jokes come from.”

“Well I for one liked chemistry.” Mac said quickly, hoping to change the subject. “My teacher was nuts. He came to class stoned one day.”

“You are not serious!” Rizzo exclaimed. “There’s not way that happened.”

“No man, it did. I’m totally serious. One day he came in and his eyes were all red and he was all twitchy. It was absolutely hilarious. At one point he was getting really loud and another teacher across the hall came in and yelled at us for being too loud. The entire time he just stood there and said nothing, but when she left he tiptoed over to the door, closed it, put a finger to his lips, and went, ‘Now she won’t be able to hear us.’ It was the funniest thing ever.”

“Oh man, that’s awesome.” Rammer laughed. “I think that the best days in school were the days when we had substitutes. We used to trick those guys into doing anything.”

Silky grinned. “One of my math classes locked a sub in the supply cupboard, and then pretended that the door wouldn’t open.”

“My French class made a sub cry.” O.C. said with a laugh. “We made fun of her accent until she just burst into tears.”

“That’s mean, O.C.” Rizzo said.

“It doesn’t matter, Rizzo because it was damn funny then. It still is, really.”

“Come on, think of the stuff that those poor people have to go through. Students should treat subs with respect.”

“Unless the sub happens to be a total moron.” Johnson spoke up. “In that case you can say whatever you want about him or her.”

“Oh no.” Suter covered his eyes with a hand. “Here he goes.”

“What?” Buzzy asked the other Wisconsin boy. “What’s wrong?”

“Johnson’s about to go off the deep-end.” Suter replied, waving a hand in the other boy’s direction. “He’s about to tell the story of the English sub from hell. Trust me, this is not a good thing. He tends to go on for hours, and only stops once he can’t speak any longer.”

“Why?” Mac asked. “What was wrong with the sub?”

“Hah!” Johnson barked. “You mean, what wasn’t wrong with the sub!”

“O-okay then.” Silky said nervously. “Tell us then, what was wrong?”

“You will regret this.” Suter said in a sing-song voice. “I guarantee it.”

It was too late however, Johnson was already launching into his harrowing story.

“Well it’s like this. I really liked my English class in high school. We had this amazing teacher who could go really in depth with everything we did, and he made it really interesting. The problem was, he wasn’t a very healthy guy, and he missed a lot of time. We ended up having this one girl for over a month.”

“Was she cute?” O.C. wanted to know.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Mac asked.

“Trust me.’ O.C. said knowingly. “A cute sub can change the story completely. Answer the question, Mark.”

“Heh. Question. Mark. That’s funny.”

Everyone turned to look at Buzzy.

“What?”

“You are a strange, strange little man.” Rammer said, shaking his head.

“Hello!’ O.C. waved a hand. “The sub! Was she cute?”

“She was alright, I guess, if you like the blond skinny as a rail type.”

“I could go for that.” O.C. said with a grin.

“Never mind about that part.” Johnson barked. “That’s not important.”

“Here it comes.” Suter muttered.

“You see, this woman was an idiot. Plain and simple.”

“That’s not very nice.”

“Shut up Rizzo!” Several different voices spoke up.

“Anyway,” Johnson looked at all the boys, glaring them into submission. “This woman had the I.Q. of carpet. At the time, our class was reading Hamlet Now you don’t have to like Hamlet, but just go with me here. This woman couldn’t pronounce names, she kept reading from this ‘Hamlet for dummies’ type of book, and she refused to in depth with the story.”

“Well that doesn’t necessarily make her stupid.” Silky said. “Maybe she just didn’t know Hamlet very well.”

“She couldn’t spell either, and she didn’t understand the fact that the word ‘there’ can be spelled three different ways, and that each way had a different meaning.”

“Maybe she wasn’t actually an English major.” Mac suggested.

“That wouldn’t change the fact that she was a moron. She came into the classroom with her shirt unbuttoned once.”

“This story just got a whole lot better.” O.C. said with a grin.

“Oh come on O.C.” Mac rolled his eyes. “He’s making that up.”

“No I’m not.” Johnson said, shaking his head. “Half the thing was unbuttoned and she didn’t even notice until some fat kid sitting in the back told her that we could all see her bra.”

“You see Johnson, that’s the difference between you and me.” O.C. said. “If I had been in that class, I would have enjoyed having that kind of teacher.”

“You would have enjoyed having to do junior high level questions on one of the most incredible stories in history?” Johnson asked. “At one point she asked us to sum up our philosophy on life in five minutes, in one sentence. “That isn’t possible. One girl got right up and told her that she didn’t want a philosophy on life that could be put into one sentence.”

“Johnson, I think that you’re over-reacting.” Rizzo said. “She couldn’t have been that bad.”

“Yes she could, and yes she was. Did you know that the phrase ‘obsessive concerns’ is now one word? She actually said that out loud in class, and when I muttered that it was two words, the girl sitting next to me told me that I was hilarious when I was bitter.”

“Yeah well, you kind of are.” Buzzy informed him. “Really, it’s funny.”

“None of you understand me.” Johnson muttered, crossing his arms over his chest and lapsing into silence.

“Whoa, that was over quickly, and wasn’t all that painful.” Suter remarked, sounding surprised. “Usually when he tells that story, you have to gag him to get him to stop. He really is very bitter.”

“Personally, I always liked stupid subs.” Rammer said. “One of my old math teachers used to keep a bunch of chessboards and decks of cards in the back of her room. We once had a sub for over two months who we were able to convince that we didn’t do anything on Fridays. We just played cards and chess.”

“Awesome.” Mac said with a grin. “My chem class once convinced a sub that we didn’t get homework, ever. When in reality, our teacher lived to give us homework.”

“When he wasn’t stoned, right?” O.C. asked with a laugh.

“No, this was a different teacher.” Mac replied. “It was a woman actually.”

Silky suddenly laughed out loud.

“What is it Silky?” Buzzy asked him.

“I just remembered this one sub that I had for history once.” Silky said, still laughing. “We were doing a bit on background causes to World War One, and at one point, Prussia was named as the most powerful German state, right?”

“Okay.” Mac agreed. “Go on.”

“Well anyway.” Snorting slightly, he continued. “So she’s writing notes on the board, and all of a sudden she goes, ‘Hmm, so is Prussia a part of Germany, or is it something else?’ The best part was, the title of the notes she was copying was simply ‘German States’ and Prussia was the first one up there. It was great, the entire class started to laugh at her.”

“I’ll never understand why people have to pick on substitute teachers.” Rizzo said, shaking his head. “Those poor people don’t deserve to have you guys give them such a hard time.”

Johnson opened his mouth to speak, only to have Suter throw a paper plate at him.

“Don’t even go there man.” Suter said in a warning tone. “You’ve had your time to rant, now you’re done.”

Glaring at Suter, Johnson neglected to answer.

“Oh man.” Mac said. “How the heck did we get on this topic, anyway?”

“We’re were talking about our favorite and least favorite classes in school.” Rammer said helpfully.

“Well how the heck did we get onto that then?”

“I have no idea.” Rammer said with a shrug. “It just kind of happened, I guess, I don’t know.”

“No, you obviously don’t.” Johnson muttered.

“Hey, shut up!” Rammer exclaimed. “You’ve had your time to insult people, now you have to be quiet.”

Johnson muttered something under his breath, but everyone decided that it would be best if none of them heard it. Most likely it rather a rather unflattering description of Rammer. Either that, or it was some kind of murderous plot. No one really wanted to find out.

The Kitchen Invasion

“I am so hungry!”

“O.C., you’ve said that at least eight times in the past fifteen minutes. Everybody knows that you’re hungry, and nobody cares.”

“You’re wrong Johnson, I’m sure that someone here cares about the fact that I’m dying!”

Johnson rolled his eyes, and replied, “You are not dying, you’re merely hungry. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, you eat too much already.”

Looking morally wounded, O.C. replied. “I don’t eat too much! I am the very definition of a healthy young man, with a healthy appetite.”

“Yeah,” Johnson shot back. “A healthy appetite that has emptied all our refrigerators.”

“That wasn’t me!” O.C. said, looking aghast. “I would never do anything like that.”

“It doesn’t matter who’s fault it is.” Buzzy piped up, hoping to prevent an argument. “The fact is that we don’t have any food.”

“Well then, why don’t we just order some take-out, or something like that?” Bah asked.

“Because we don’t have any money.” Mac drawled. “We’re a bunch of broke young men.”

“Broke starving young men.” O.C. added firmly.

“Fine.” Mac said, rolling his eyes. “We’re starving as well.”

“How can we not have enough money between the lot of us to order some lousy pizza?” Silky demanded. “I mean, there are twenty of us, for crying out loud? We must have money somewhere.”

“Well, we don’t.” Rizzo said, as gently as possible. “We’re all kind of...jointly broke at the moment. Which is why we can’t order anything.”

“That’s the most pathetic thing that I’ve ever heard.” Silky stated, crossing his arms over his chest. “How are any of us going to get anywhere in life, we can’t even afford food!”

“This entire experience is seriously making me consider living with my mother for the rest of my life.” Bah said.

Johnson threw up his hands in exasperation. “I don’t care what you say Silky, that is the most pathetic thing that I’ve ever heard.”

“You know, surprisingly, this discussion is not curing my hunger in the slightest.” O.C. said.

“Why don’t we just make something to eat, by ourselves?” Rizzo asked, innocently.

“Oh I don’t know Rizzo, maybe it’s because none of us know how to cook.” Johnson snorted. “Did that thought ever occur to you?”

“I can cook.” Rizzo informed him.

“No way Rizzo.” Mac said. “We’ve all had enough meatballs to last us a lifetime.”

“Then we’ll make an actual meal.” Rizzo said. “It’s not that hard. I’ve done it before.”

“Just how exactly are you going to do that?’ Johnson wanted to know. “We have no food, and no money. That’s why we’re in this mess in the first place.”

“Doc keeps a bunch of stuff in his room.” Pav said, speaking up for the first time. “I’m not exactly sure why, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if we took some of it.”

“You want to rob the team doctor?” Buzzy shot Pav an incredulous look. “I wouldn’t advise that buddy. What if he got angry at you? He’s a doctor, just imagine the revenge that he could come up with.”

“Buzzy.” Pav said, sounding more than a little exasperated. “Doc is not going to kill us if we borrow some food from him. He is , after all, a doctor. They take oaths against that sort of thing.”

“Maybe, maybe not.” Buzzy said in a hushed voice. “What about all those doctors that you see on the news. You know the ones that I’m talking about. Those guys who get fed up with their patients and then kill them because of it.”

“Uh, Buzzy? Do you really think that Doc would be able to kill us?” Mac wanted to know. “I mean, look at him, he’s gotta be nearing sixty.”

“So? That’s what poison is for!” Buzzy replied.

“Fine Buzzy, if you’re so worried about Doc murdering you in your sleep, you can stay out of this mission, and not eat.” Pav said.

“But I’m hungry! I want to eat too!”

“And here we have a clear example of Man’s stomach winning out over his brains.” Bah drawled.

“What brains?” Johnson demanded. “He was just talking about the team doctor being a murderer. He has no brains to speak of.”

“True enough.” Bah said with a grin.

“Does this mean that we can go get food now?”

Rizzo sighed. “Yes O.C., we’re going to go find something to eat.”

“Yes!” O.C. pumped a fist in the air.

The boys then trooped over to Doc’s room.

“Is he in there?” Mac asked in a hushed voice.

“No.” Said Bah, from where he was standing in the front. “But the door’s open.”

“So, are we just going to go in and get food?” Rizzo asked worriedly, after all, that could almost be considered to be stealing.

“Of course we are!” O.C. clearly had no fears about robbing the doctor, in order to satisfy his empty stomach.

“We can’t!” Buzzy yelped. “What if we take the food and he gets angry? Who knows what he might do to us?”

“Well, I think that his first move might be to make you go see a shrink.” Bah said with a grin.

“Very funny.” Buzzy said, sticking his tongue out at Bah.

“Not funny.” Johnson informed him. “True.”

“You’re mean.” Buzzy whined.

“And you’re short.” Johnson replied. “Who cares?”

“Kids, if you can’t play nice you’re going to have to take a time-out.” Bah said with a laugh.

Johnson glared at him. “Bah, do you want me to hurt you?”

“Not really, no.” Bah said nervously.

“Then shut up!” Johnson barked.

“Yes Sir!” Bah said, throwing a mock salute. However, the glare Johnson shot him made him drop his hand quickly.

“Man, would you guys look at the stuff he’s got in here?” O.C. was peering into a mini-fridge in the corner of the room. “There’s enough junk in here to feed and army. I don’t know how he fits it all in here.”

“Do you see anything that we can make a meal out of?” Silky asked.

“Umm...there’s a bunch of corn in the back. Anybody want that?”

Mac made a face. “I think that I’ll pass.”

“Are you sure there’s nothing in there?” Silky was beginning to sound desperate.

“Not really.” O.C. relied, as he closed the fridge door. “There’s a bunch of stuff that we could use for toppings, but there’s nothing to make an actual meal out of.”

“We’re going to die!” Buzzy moaned. “I can’t go on like this. I can’t go any farther. I- OW!”

Johnson waved his hand threateningly once again. “If you continue that speech, I promise that I will beat you senseless.”

“Ehh, you guys, Johnson’s snapped again.” Buzzy said, as he backed away quickly.

Rizzo placed a restraining hand on Johnson’s arm. “Take it easy man, you cannot kill your teammate.”

“But what if I really, really, want to?” Johnson whined.

“Not happening.” Rizzo informed him, immediately shifting into his patented over-protective mother hen format. “You are forbidden to kill any of your teammates.”

Johnson pulled his arm out of Rizzo’s grip, muttering darkly.

“Guys, we still have no food.” This random shout came from O.C. who had thrown himself over the room’s counter-top, landing in a dejected heap. “I’m hungry.”

“O.C. would you please be quiet?” Pav asked. “We know that you’re hungry, but whining about it is not going to help you find food.”

“Maybe not.” O.C. admitted. “But it makes me feel better, knowing that I can make you guys feel my pain.”

“You’re evil.” Bah informed her.

“Yes I am.” O.C. agreed. “Now can we please find something to eat?”

“Would you please stop thinking with your stomach?” Johnson demanded.

“Hey!” O.C. barked. “Rizzo told you to be nice.”

“Well, whop dee doo for Rizzo.” Johnson muttered. “At this point, I really don’t care.”

“Aw, Johnson? Are you hungry too?” Buzzy asked.

“Um hello? We’re all hungry. That is why we have snuck into the team doctor’s room, in a desperate attempt to pilfer his stash of food and fill our stomachs. If I wasn’t hungry I would be hiding out in my room right now, desperately trying to avoid having anything to do with you people because all you ever seem to do is stress me out and send me over the deep-end.” Johnson finished this speech with a gasp as he ran out of breath.

“Come on, man.” Mac said. “It’s not our fault that you always have some sort of breakdown whenever we’re around. You do it to yourself.”

“I can’t help it.” Johnson exclaimed. “Whenever I’m around you guys and we’re not doing anything important, it seems like there’s this unexplainable force causing me to freak out.”

“That’s kind of creepy.” O.C. said, edging away from Johnson a bit. “I’m highly doubting that some unseen force is causing you to stress out. My theory is that you just stress out by yourself and then the stress causes you to imagine crazy things.”

“We’ll never know will we?” Johnson replied.

“No.” O.C. sighed. “And we’re never going to eat either.” He slid foward on the counter until he was heading towards the floor.

“You are so gonna end up on your face in a minute.” Mac said with a grin.

“I am not.” O.C. replied firmly.

The door to the room suddenly opened, and Doc poked his head in. “Boys? What are you doing in here?”

Several heads jerked in his direction, and there was a loud thudding sound as O.C. went crashing down onto the floor.

“Told you so.” Mac said with a laugh.

“Oh, shut up.” O.C. growled.

“Do you boys want something?” Doc asked, looking confused.

“Food!” O.C. barked from his crumpled position on the floor.

“Food?” Doc asked. “Don’t you have food in your rooms?”

“Would we be in here searching for anything edible if we did?” O.C. demanded as he stood up.

“I suppose not.” Doc said, laughing slightly. “Why didn’t you just order something?”

“Because, not only do we not have food, we don’t have the money to get any food.” Mac informed him. “We’re a bunch of broke young men.”

“Broke-!”

Mac cut O.C. off. “That’s right, we’re broke starving young men.”

Doc laughed again. “Alright boys. I’ll order you some pizza, and I’ll pay for it. Now get out of here.”

“You are my idol.” O.C. informed him. “I mean it, you are a wonderful old man.”

Mac whacked him in the shoulder. “You idiot, if you call him old, he might not feed us.”

O.C. nodded. “Right, forget I said anything. You’re not old, you’re very young. Very, very, young.”

“Why don’t you boys juts get out of here, and I’ll let you know when the food gets here? Hmm, how does that sound?” The look on Doc’s face suggested that he really just wanted them to get out of his room, not that anyone could blame him.

“Right.” Bah said quickly. “We’re going. Let us know when the food’s here. Bye bye.”

With that, the boys herded out of the room. They were silent for a bit, then... “What if he poisons the pizza?”

“Shut up, Buzzy!” Several voices shouted at him.